How to Ruin the Moment: A Realistic Response to Your Favorite Love Song

ruffendz Photo Source: afromontreal.com The Ratchette has a soft spot for vintage R&B. But as in many things, involuntary emotional reactions can lead to certain internal conflicts. You meet someone, you know they’re not right for you, but you go with it anyway, cause they’re like, endearing/so darn cute or something. You hear music, and you like it against your better judgement. you’re a modern woman or man. You have standards, principals, and other stuffy things that are connected to your head and not your heart. For example, one of my all time favorite R&B songs is Ruff Endz, Someone to Love You*.  I love it, I love it. But I do have some conflicting feelings when I heard it. Because I am a romantic at heart, but sometimes I hear these feminist voices in my head telling me that these love songs are a load of misogynist bullshit. And I know with 100% certainty that if someone tried to say these things to me in real life, I would find the narrative somewhat less than compelling. How un-compelling? Well, let’s take a look. Here is an example of just how horribly wrong things could go if an R&B singer tried his lines on an actual woman. Otherwise known as, how to completely ruin the moment.

“Someone To Love You”

Mmm…yeah Mmm…mmm…mmm…mmm…
Are you trying to communicate? Anglais por favor.
I bet you that I could read your mind
If you could read my mind, you would know how much I don’t want to be talking to you right now.
And tell you everything you’re going through
Going through? Why do you assume I am going through something? Can’t I just be happily, independently sipping my Oprah Chai, enjoying my own company?
Baby, I could try to find a thousand reasons why
You’re alone and acting so cold
Oh, I get it. Because I’m alone, it must be because I’m damaged or something? Because men get to be single by choice, and women just spend all their time waiting for a man to come find them. And obviously, because I don’t like you, it must be because not only am I damaged, but cold as well. Well, you have part of it right. I am feeling cold. Chills, actually. The type usually accompanied by vomiting. Excuse me while I vomit up my scone.
Tell me how long you’ve been this way
What way is that, exactly? Do you mean how long have I had eyes, or how long have I been disinterested in open-shirted cowboy hat wearing grease balls like yourself?
Maybe I can open up your heart
Wait. You’re a cardiologist? Maybe this can work after all. Wait… No. Still a no.
See, I’ve been waiting all my life for someone just like you
Really? That’s interesting since you just spent this entire verse making me feel like I have something wrong with me, which leads me to believe that that is your angle. Treat a woman like she has issues and is damaged, and then act as if you are the only man in the world who can love her in spite of them. Very twisted. Not since Rasputin has the world seen such attempts at mind control, so kudos to you.
And I know you’ve been waiting too
You’re right. I HAVE been waiting. For you stop talking to me.
For someone to love you But I already have people in my life who love me… I’m confused. Did you think I had gone twenty-eig—three years without having had a single person love me? Tell me again how Christopher Columbus discovered America?
[Сhorus:] All you need is someone who cares (For someone to love you)
Right. Because if a man shows interest, I damn well better hold onto him, because who else is gonna care.
Someone who will always be there (Mmm…mmm…)
Such high standards.
All you need to say is that you want me to be with you
I think I’ve been pretty clear that that is the opposite of what I want.
Girl, I know you’ve waited so long For someone to love you
Jesus, you really do think nobody has loved me before… This is concerning.
Ooh…
Mmm, mmm, mmm
Yes, make more noises at me. We’ve established how much I love that.
Baby, I wish I could be there
For every time you ever shed a tear
If you were there for every tear, it would probably be because you caused every tear.
Baby, I hate to see a pretty girl like you Going through the things that you do, yeah
So, ugly girls deserve bad things in life more than pretty girls? And can we stop this whole struggling black woman thing? I don’t really let struggle define me, and you’re really starting to annoy me with that shit. And call me baby one. more. time. And I will hit you. No Brittany Spears.
Girl, I think you’ve gone too far too long
Without a good man to make you smile
And lemme guess… You’re a good man? Because for all the things you have told me about myself this afternoon, you haven’t done a single thing to establish that you are, in fact, a good man. And in regards to you making me smile, you have been at this for a solid two minutes and fifty seconds, and I have not cracked a single smile. Maybe you aren’t any good at it.
How can I appeal to you and make you understand That I’m here, when you’re ready for Someone to love you
This is the first bit of sense you have made for this entire conversation. How can I appeal to you? That’s a good start. How about: be appealing? And FYI, I get that you’re here when I’m ready. But I will never be ready. Not for someone who thinks that all he has to do is be there, and I should just be so honored that I fall at his feet in gratitude.  
[Сhorus:]
Baby you’ve been waiting for the man from all the fairytales
or maybe just the man from all your dreams
Yeah, actually. That guy would be nice. Actually, depends on which fairy tale. And on which dream. Because I watched Saw III the other night, and I’ve been having some really gnarly nightmares.
try to think reality, explore the possibilities cause girl you know you’ve waited for so long for some one to love you
Hold up. Full stop. Did you just tell me to give up on my dreams? You did, didn’t you? You seriously just told me to lower my standards to date you. Because I need to “try to think reality” whatever the hell that means. Has that type of line EVER gotten you a date? You know what, I’m sorry that I haven’t given up on myself. I’m going to hold out for the man of my dreams. Or at least for a man who doesn’t spend four minutes belittling me in an attempt to scare me into settling. This has been four minutes of my life I will never get back, so I’m just going to charge it to the game and promise myself that next time two brothers with overly glossy lips and doo-doo breath ask if they can rap to me for a second, I will make the smart decision and walk away. Bye, Felicia. 

It really is a sweet song though. I swear.

 

Lyrics Source: azlyrics.com

Advertisements

T.I. Swings on Floyd Mayweather, Mayhem Follows

T.I. throws a punch at champion boxer, Floyd Mayweather at Fatburger in Las Vegas, reportedly as a result of Tiny’s “too close” relationship with the fighter. In the clip, Mayweather can be heard yelling, “Control your bitch!” In the process of the fight, chairs were thrown, and at least one person was stabbed. For those unfamiliar with the fight participants, T.I. is 98lbs soaking wet, and Floyd Mayweather gets paid to bash people’s faces in, but occasionally does it for free. Nobody can accuse T.I. of lacking heart.

Source: TMZ

Full story: http://www.tmz.com/2014/05/25/t-i-mayweather-fight-video-vegas-about-tiny-fatburger-wife-stabbing/

Breaking: Official Statement From Knowles-Carter Family

image

Us Weekly Reports that Beyonce, Jay-Z and Solange have issued a joint statement as follows:

As a result of the public release of the elevator security footage from Monday, May 5th, there has been a great deal of speculation about what triggered the unfortunate incident. But the most important thing is that our family has worked through it… Jay and Solange each assume their share of responsibility for what has occurred. They both acknowledge their role in this private matter… They both have apologized to each other and we have moved forward as a united family.

Full story: http://m.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/solange-jay-z-beyonce-break-silence-on-elevator-fight-at-met-gala-2014155

Meanwhile, where is the statement from Rachel Roy, who was allegedly at the center of all the drama? We’ll wait.

20140515-175454.jpg
Photo source: weheartit.com

Solange Physically Attacks Jay-Z in an Elevator as Beyonce Looks On

Solange, singer and sister of Beyonce Knowles, was caught on camera attacking Beyonce’s husband, Jay Z At a Met Gala after party at The Standard Hotel in NYC. No word yet about what caused the altercation, so we will not speculate. We don’t want no problems with The Beygency… Unless Solange was acting as an agent of The Beygency? Feel free to form your own conspiracy theories.

Full story here: http://m.tmz.com/#Article/2014/05/12/jay-z-solange-fight-elevator-video-beyonce-met-gala

Which Rappers You Can Beat in a Fight

20140508-120530.jpg

The good folks over at Grantland have created a helpful, handy chart detailing your likelihood of winning a fight with a number of popular rappers. While we do not condone fighting, this is an entertaining thought exercise, and the chart may prove helpful if you plan on being in Miami over Memorial Day weekend, or in Vegas after a Mayweather or Pacquiao fight. Most rappers have people around them who are way more dangerous than they are. Not necessarily the kind that carry razor blades under their tongues and sharpened toothbrushes in their sleeves, but definitely those who would proudly go to jail to serve their clique. The analysis presented here is focused on the individual rappers, many of which are known to be softer than baby shit. Do you agree with the findings? Click the link to read more about Grantland’s methodology in composing this chart.

http://grantland.com/hollywood-prospectus/the-if-i-fought-this-rapper-would-i-win-chart/

Creative High-Schooler Gets Back at Enemies by Serving Up New Cupcake Recipe With Semen as Secret Ingredient

image

Image Source: Average Betty

Gawker reports:

A bullied high school girl in Bakersfield, Calif., reportedly put pubic hair, semen, expired food, and pills into the cupcakes she handed out last Thursday to kids who picked on her. Another student asked the girl why her cupcakes tasted so bad, and she said it was because she’d filled them with bodily fluids.

Police were able to confirm that the cupcakes were made with a gross combination of condiments including mayonnaise, barbecue sauce, and soy sauce, but the food was destroyed before it could actually be tested for semen. The health department has been called off of the investigation.

Revenge is sweet. Or salty, or whatever. We want to know where she found all that semen.

Full story: http://gawker.com/high-school-girl-fed-semen-filled-cupcakes-to-kids-wh-1571816318?utm_campaign=socialflow_gawker_facebook&utm_source=gawker_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow