Photo Source: afromontreal.com The Ratchette has a soft spot for vintage R&B. But as in many things, involuntary emotional reactions can lead to certain internal conflicts. You meet someone, you know they’re not right for you, but you go with it anyway, cause they’re like, endearing/so darn cute or something. You hear music, and you like it against your better judgement. you’re a modern woman or man. You have standards, principals, and other stuffy things that are connected to your head and not your heart. For example, one of my all time favorite R&B songs is Ruff Endz, Someone to Love You*. I love it, I love it. But I do have some conflicting feelings when I heard it. Because I am a romantic at heart, but sometimes I hear these feminist voices in my head telling me that these love songs are a load of misogynist bullshit. And I know with 100% certainty that if someone tried to say these things to me in real life, I would find the narrative somewhat less than compelling. How un-compelling? Well, let’s take a look. Here is an example of just how horribly wrong things could go if an R&B singer tried his lines on an actual woman. Otherwise known as, how to completely ruin the moment.
“Someone To Love You”
Are you trying to communicate? Anglais por favor.
I bet you that I could read your mind
If you could read my mind, you would know how much I don’t want to be talking to you right now.
And tell you everything you’re going through
Going through? Why do you assume I am going through something? Can’t I just be happily, independently sipping my Oprah Chai, enjoying my own company?
Baby, I could try to find a thousand reasons why
You’re alone and acting so cold
Oh, I get it. Because I’m alone, it must be because I’m damaged or something? Because men get to be single by choice, and women just spend all their time waiting for a man to come find them. And obviously, because I don’t like you, it must be because not only am I damaged, but cold as well. Well, you have part of it right. I am feeling cold. Chills, actually. The type usually accompanied by vomiting. Excuse me while I vomit up my scone.
Tell me how long you’ve been this way
What way is that, exactly? Do you mean how long have I had eyes, or how long have I been disinterested in open-shirted cowboy hat wearing grease balls like yourself?
Maybe I can open up your heart
Wait. You’re a cardiologist? Maybe this can work after all. Wait… No. Still a no.
See, I’ve been waiting all my life for someone just like you
Really? That’s interesting since you just spent this entire verse making me feel like I have something wrong with me, which leads me to believe that that is your angle. Treat a woman like she has issues and is damaged, and then act as if you are the only man in the world who can love her in spite of them. Very twisted. Not since Rasputin has the world seen such attempts at mind control, so kudos to you.
And I know you’ve been waiting too
You’re right. I HAVE been waiting. For you stop talking to me.
For someone to love youBut I already have people in my life who love me… I’m confused. Did you think I had gone twenty-eig—three years without having had a single person love me? Tell me again how Christopher Columbus discovered America?
[Сhorus:]All you need is someone who cares (For someone to love you)
Right. Because if a man shows interest, I damn well better hold onto him, because who else is gonna care.
Someone who will always be there (Mmm…mmm…)
Such high standards.
All you need to say is that you want me to be with you
I think I’ve been pretty clear that that is the opposite of what I want.
Girl, I know you’ve waited so longFor someone to love you
Jesus, you really do think nobody has loved me before… This is concerning.
Mmm, mmm, mmm
Yes, make more noises at me. We’ve established how much I love that.
Baby, I wish I could be there
For every time you ever shed a tear
If you were there for every tear, it would probably be because you caused every tear.
Baby, I hate to see a pretty girl like youGoing through the things that you do, yeah
So, ugly girls deserve bad things in life more than pretty girls? And can we stop this whole struggling black woman thing? I don’t really let struggle define me, and you’re really starting to annoy me with that shit. And call me baby one. more. time. And I will hit you. No Brittany Spears.
Girl, I think you’ve gone too far too long
Without a good man to make you smile
And lemme guess… You’re a good man? Because for all the things you have told me about myself this afternoon, you haven’t done a single thing to establish that you are, in fact, a good man. And in regards to you making me smile, you have been at this for a solid two minutes and fifty seconds, and I have not cracked a single smile. Maybe you aren’t any good at it.
How can I appeal to you and make you understandThat I’m here, when you’re ready forSomeone to love you
This is the first bit of sense you have made for this entire conversation. How can I appeal to you? That’s a good start. How about: be appealing? And FYI, I get that you’re here when I’m ready. But I will never be ready. Not for someone who thinks that all he has to do is be there, and I should just be so honored that I fall at his feet in gratitude.
Baby you’ve been waiting for the man from all the fairytales
or maybe just the man from all your dreams
Yeah, actually. That guy would be nice. Actually, depends on which fairy tale. And on which dream. Because I watched Saw III the other night, and I’ve been having some really gnarly nightmares.
try to think reality, explore the possibilitiescause girl you know you’ve waited for so longfor some one to love you
Hold up. Full stop. Did you just tell me to give up on my dreams? You did, didn’t you? You seriously just told me to lower my standards to date you. Because I need to “try to think reality” whatever the hell that means. Has that type of line EVER gotten you a date? You know what, I’m sorry that I haven’t given up on myself. I’m going to hold out for the man of my dreams. Or at least for a man who doesn’t spend four minutes belittling me in an attempt to scare me into settling. This has been four minutes of my life I will never get back, so I’m just going to charge it to the game and promise myself that next time two brothers with overly glossy lips and doo-doo breath ask if they can rap to me for a second, I will make the smart decision and walk away. Bye, Felicia.