The Blessed Paradox: “God has given me soo much… more than he gave you.”


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When actors and athletes win awards, there are certain things we may expect from them in their acceptance speeches. Tears. Mentions of family members. Grattitude to God. And for those of us who believe in a higher power, we feel it is only right that someone who has been given such a great talent should give thanks to the Creator, who could easily have made them ugly or fat or tone deaf.

But with the onset of social media, basic bitches and basic bros alike have been given a platform to give their own acceptance speeches of sorts. These speeches come in the form of their Facebook statuses, Instagram posts, and Tweets. Except in their cases, these people haven’t won any award, nor have they been recognized for any great talent. Which can leave one wondering, what are you so thankful for? God kinda fucked you over.

Ok. So maybe that’s a little extreme. God didn’t fuck them over per se. He just did not give them the blessings that they are claiming. For example, you may come across a youtube video of someone butchering your favorite Aliyah song, and in the description, the singer has said “I thank Jesus every day for blessing me with a voice as sweet as honey. You are all bearing witness to God’s glory, amen.” Meanwhile, Jesus is pacing heaven talmbout, “These chicks gonna keep my name out they mouth!” and Aliyah is turning over in her grave. Now, am I saying this person is not blessed? No. But their blessing is their health, or the food on their table, or the fact that they have not been evicted following the numerous noise complaints from their singing. After all, things can ALWAYS be worse. Your busted embarrassment of a car can always pop a tire, and someone who is already ugly can get fat on top of being ugly. And of course there is the fact that not one of us has any guarantee that we will wake up the next morning. So yes, it is absolutely right to be thankful for our true, non-delusional blessings.

On the other end of the spectrum, there are people who actually are quite talented or beautiful. Those people may also thank God, but sometimes seem to have nefarious reasons for doing so. Example: one of the thots you follow on Instagram has posted a new duck-lipped bathroom selfie of herself leaning over the sink, ‘kini top precariously close to slipping off her breast. She has captioned the photo, “Thank God for all-a-dis. You bitches wish you were this blessed. Praying for you haters! *smooches*” In this case, the woman in the picture is clearly devoutly religious. After all, she is giving God the credit for what she has, which seems like a good thing. But she is also rubbing her blessings in your face, which is sort of really mean. It says, “God loved me more.” Which I’m pretty sure runs counter to the humility that is the supposed basis for giving thanks.

We all have bad habits and personality flaws. At the same time, we are all blessed in our way, and expressions of gratitude in place of negativity can have a transformative effect on our culture. But the next time that you wish to express gratitude, just try to be less of a prick about it so that God doesn’t start shooting lightening bolts at that ass.


Finally, Someone Whose Weave is More Stale Than Yours– 3,300 Year Old Corpse Found With Tracks in Her Hair


Photo credit: Jolanda Bos and Lonneke Beukenholdt

For those who have been using the same beat up yaki/remy/Brazillian virgin hair that has been passed down from your granny, to your mammy, to you: you can rest easy knowing that there is at least one woman rocking a weave that is older than yours. Pay no mind to the fact that she is a 3,300 year old corpse that was recently excavated from an ancient Egyptian settlement. Live Science reports:

She was not mummified, her body simply being wrapped in a mat. When archaeologists uncovered her remains they found she wore “a very complex coiffure with approximately 70 extensions fastened in different layers and heights on the head,” writes Jolanda Bos, an archaeologist working on the Amarna Project, in an article recently published in the Journal of Egyptian Archaeology.

Researchers don’t know her name, age or occupation, but she is one of hundreds of people, including many others whose hairstyles are still intact, who were buried in a cemetery near an ancient city now called Amarna… Many of the other skulls Bos analyzed also had hair extensions. One skull had extensions made of gray and dark black hair suggesting multiple people donated their hair to create extensions.

Researchers also report that the women used fat in their hair as part of the styling process– the ancient Egyptian version of the brown gel.

Details of the woman’s life and death are still being investigated, but hair weave killah has not been ruled out as a cause of death. Archaeologists may never know for sure.


DiGiorno Pizza Makes Tasteless Comment Using Domestic Violence Hashtag

In the wake of the Ray Rice incident, there has been increased dialogue about domestic violence, which is a great thing. Domestic violence survivors have been using the hashtag #whyIstayed to share stories of their abuse and to help others understand the thought processes of abuse victims. Enter DiGiorno, who saw a hashtag and an opportunity to use a trending topic to promote frozen pizzas. Twitter exploded with outrage, and DiGiorno apologized profusely, insisting that they misunderstood the context of the hashtag. Ironically, the pizza may actually be the only reason that consumers stay with DiGiorno, because those stupid f*cks sure do make a good pie.