Explaining My First Black Eye Since Age 12

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I deserved it. Just like I had deserved the first one. I was twelve years old, a tomboy playing a game of pool with a group of 15 year old boys. I talked a little too much shit and bam– pool stick to the eye. This time, the circumstances were different. I was older now… A laaaady (Shananay from Martin voice). Although the circumstances had changed, the premise was the same– I had acted out, and there were consequences. It all started two days ago, when I noticed that Pathmark was having a sale on Talenti gelato. Like most people with taste buds, I love ice cream, gelato, and damn near every other frozen treat, but my frugality and my taste for the finer things found themselves in conflict, as they often do. Talenti is expensive, especially when compared to America’s Choice ice cream, which was situated in the adjacent freezer. But with flavors like Caramel Sea Salt, Pistachio, and Black Raspberry Chocolate Chip, I could only stave off the temptation for so long. When I noticed those bright yellow and red sale signs, an equally bright lightbulb switched on in my head– I would fill my grocery cart with as many jars of Talenti gelato as my freezer could accommodate. I barely made it home, my arms quivering with the weight of pints and pints of gelato, a rainbow of frozen heaven.

Fast forward to this morning, ever in a rush, I went to the kitchen for some frozen turkey breast to bring for lunch. The way my refrigerator is set up, there is a cooler on the bottom and a freezer on the top, which, because of my diminutive height, opens above my head. Having forgotten all about the Gelato, which I had haphazardly placed in the freezer two days previously, I opened the freezer wide, and my face was ambushed– pummeled by an avalanche of hard, frozen, Talenti gelato jars. As a God-fearing Christian and as a gym-goer with a Miami bachelorette party to attend in less than a month, I know the consequences of gluttony– hellfire and a booty-do. God had smited me.
My left eye took the hardest hit, and I am currently nursing some swelling and redness, which I am hoping will not get progressively worse throughout the day. But on the bright side, I certainly have no shortage of frozen items to place on my eye. Brr.

 

 

Photo source: billboard.com

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