Ratchette Opinions: Stop Bitching About Spoilers

 Screen shot 2014-04-20 at 4.47.59 PM

Photo Source: HBO Game of Thrones

We’ve all been there. There is this show that you watch semi-religiously, but every once in a while, a work or social event prevents you from sitting down to watch the show when it airs. So you thump along just hoping that you are able to see the show before some clown ruins it for you by telling you what happens. Sometimes you are successful, and other times… disaster.

As much as I have been in this position, as someone who does not subscribe to cable and who has a social life that frequently causes me to be out of the house on Thursday-Sunday nights, I am here to tell you that you need to get over it.

I understand your anger and frustration. I have had all the big shows ruined for me at some point. Lost. Scandal. Breaking Bad, and most recently, Game of Thrones (my fault for being only part way through the third book). When someone reveals a tidbit of information about your favorite show, the one that you look forward to all week, perhaps even all year, it is enough to make you want to go all dracarys on their faces. For those of you who are not Game of Thrones nerds, dracarys is High Valyrian for fire.

Daenarys Targaryan being a boss bitch.

Here’s the thing: a “spoiler” is only truly a spoiler if it is released before the show airs, based on inside information. It is known.* A spoiler would be if I sat down and had a conversation with Shonda Rhimes about the next season of Scandal, and said “Hey guys, can you believe that they are going to kill off Olivia Pope?!” or if I said “Hey, people who watch Game of Thrones, don’t get so attached to Khaleesi, I got an advance copy of book six, and she turns into a white walker.” A spoiler is not watching a show at its normal, widely known air time, and then discussing what happens.

Once a show airs, it is seen by millions and millions of people. It becomes more than just a show, it becomes a part of current events: a newsworthy item that people want to talk about. And you? If you were not there to see it, then you are left behind, just as you may be left behind if you did not get a chance to watch the news and keep up with other current events (spoiler alert: I know that you didn’t get a chance to see the election coverage, but Obama wins at the end).

Sure, your friends could be a little more considerate about their blatantly plot-revealing posts, but do you honestly think that every person in the universe should censor their speech (their social media posts) because you were not able to catch the show? Is that not the height of self-importance? “Guys, I know that you, collectively, are super excited about what you just saw, and you want to discuss it realtime with your Facebook friends, thousands of whom are also watching right now. But I’m out sucking toes tonight, and uh… we be all night. Long story short, I’m gonna miss the show. So therefore, I am going to try to pause everyone else in time until I finally get around to watching the show, at which point, everyone is free to un-pause themselves, and I will engage in the same behavior that I have just condemned.”

And for how long, exactly, are people supposed to avoid all mention of these shows that they may or may not know that you may or may not want to watch. A day? A week? Five years? I know people who are still trying to get around to watching the end of Lost. Does that mean that nobody is allowed to talk about the show until the day that they see the finale?

And is it by force that you go on social media? If someone is texting you about the show, tagging you in posts, or otherwise intruding on your cone of silence, then by all means, get angry. But if it is a Thursday night. And it is 10:00pm on a Thursday night. And you like Scandal. And your friends like Scandal. Why in the world would you think that you can get on social media without hearing a mention of what is happening on Scandal? Antoine Dodson said it best.


Photo Source: quickmeme.com

You’re probably thinking, “Why do I have to avoid social media just because my idiot friends can’t be more considerate about their posts?” The answer is, you don’t. You are free to consume social media to your heart’s content, but the reality of the situation is that you cannot control what other people do or say any more than I can force you to take my advice and stop bitching about “spoilers.” You can only control your own actions and decide which people you allow in your space (a lesson that reaches far beyond silly television show spoilers). If social media is annoying you on any given day, keep your ass off of social media. If there are specific people that are constantly posting things that you do not enjoy seeing (for any reason), either remove them as your friend, or change your account settings so that their posts do not end up in your feed. If television shows are really that important to you, consider purchasing a cable subscription with DVR so that you are able to watch the shows as soon as you have the chance. If your wife is pregnant, schedule a cesarian section instead of waiting for her to go into labor on Sunday night when you KNOW your shows are going to come on. An ounce of common sense will serve you well in preventing television related heartache.

*Yes, that was a Dothraki reference.

Real Science: Popping Molly Causes Racism?

Undated handout of ecstasy pills, which contain MDMA as their main chemical

Time Magazine reports, “The oxytocin hormone is often described as the ‘love hormone’ or ‘cuddling chemical,’ but there might be a darker side to it. Not only does it make you feel all loved-up and happy, but also contribute to intolerance and violence, a 2011 study suggests.” They further report that, “[Oxytocin] ‘motivates in-group favoritism’ and ‘derogation’ of outsiders. According to the study, oxytocin had ‘a role in the emergence of intergroup conflict and violence.'”

Credible findings or nah? You be the judge.

Research: http://www.pnas.org/content/early/2011/01/06/1015316108

Source: http://time.com/49399/oxytocin-racism-study/


Photo source: ezrahub.com


Blame it on the Palcohol: Gov’t Approves Powdered Booze


Get ready to revolutionize the way that you get drunk! Gone are the days when you have to spend 15 of your hard earned dollars on drinks at the club. Scientists and entrepreneurs have developed a new product, Palcohol, which is powdered alcohol. Because there is nothing sketchy about sprinkling powder in a lady’s drink. And not to worry, the makers of Palcohol urge consumers not to snort their product, since consumers are known to heed warnings and use products only as directed, especially while drunk. What could go wrong?

Source: http://gawker.com/powdered-alcohol-coming-to-a-liquor-store-near-you-1565094422

Tricks are for Kids– How the Easter Bunny is Making a Liar Out of Your Child



Today is Easter Sunday. This is the day that Christians celebrate the resurrection of Jesus, the son of God who died a brutal death, giving his life for the sins of human kind. This article is not about Jesus (although, obviously, a HUGE thank you for doing that for us). This article is about a certain mammal with floppy ears. He has been known to hop in and out of houses wearing pastel three-piece Steve Harvey suits with Stacy Adams shoes. If you couldn’t already tell, I’m talking about the Easter Bunny.

Every year, parents tell the same story to their children: be good, and the Easter Bunny will come and leave you a basket full of treats, colorful eggs, chocolates, and gifts. He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He’s using the same patented Peeping Tom Technology that Santa uses. He’s climbing through your windows, snatching some baskets up, and leaving them somewhere in the house for little boys and girls to find when they wake up.

The problem is that there is no rabbit, hare, or bunny that is going to hop around from house to house bringing treats. I mean, think about it: how in the hell does this bunny carry all of those baskets? Rabbits don’t have thumbs, and they can’t even walk, which means that they need to stay on all fours to get around, leaving no arms for carrying baskets. And anyone who has done Cross-Fit or any other sort of plyometric training can tell you, hopping is NOT easy. Do you have any idea how many children there are in the world? And he has to hop from state to state, country to country, with all these baskets, and nary a car, boat, airplane, bicycle, nothing? C’mon son.

It’s not even a good lie. Not only is it physically impossible for rabbits to do that much hopping, or to carry that many baskets, rabbits do not lay eggs. The entire story defies the laws of basic biology. When you tell this story to your children, you’re telling them hey kid, I think you’re pretty dumb, so let’s see how long I can get you believe this story before you figure out that I’ve been lying to you. You little moron.

And they believe you. Because you’re their parent. They love you, they trust you, and they look up to you. Besides, in their sweet, innocent, naïve hearts, they cannot think of any conceivable reason why their own parent would construct such a twisted, elaborate lie, and how their seemly normal guardians could possibly be members of a deeply intrenched worldwide conspiracy.

So they go along with it. Even though the local Duane Reade is filled to the gills with the exact same treats that the Easter Bunny brings. Even though bunnies don’t lay eggs, and so what if their rifle-toting daddy’s favorite dish is rabbit stew? The Uncle Tom-ass Easter Bunny doesn’t care if you string up all the other rabbits in the land, he will still be shucking and jiving his way to your house with a basket of goodies and a smile on his face. “Yessuh, I shole is happy to bring you these chocolates, suh!”

And it’s all good for a while. The kid is going along with the story, and after all, the treats keep coming in, so what’s not to like. The parents keep lying, because they’re sick and they’re getting away with it. Then, one day, the kid finds out that it has all been a lie. Maybe a kid at school told them, or maybe they were watching a grown-up tv show that the discussed the Easter Conspiracy.  By now, they are a bit older, and you have already disappointed them in many ways. You said you’d make it to their t-ball game, but you didn’t make it. You said that you’d play dolls with the kid, but you blew it off. You said that you loved their mom, but the kid caught you playing hide the salami with your secretary in the supply closet on Take Your Child to Work Day. Suddenly, your word as a parent doesn’t mean what it once did, and the child is left wondering– is the Easter Bunny another one of your lies?

So they confront you. Chin quivering, their wet, shining eyes searching yours for the truth that lies beneath them. And finally, you admit it. Yes, the bunny is a lie. How long have you known? Forever. How could you do this to me? Easily. Because your parents did it to you, and their parents did it to them, and one day, these young sweetlings will do it to their own kids. And that is the moment when the child learns: trust no one. It is isn’t one of Biggie’s Ten Crack Commandments for nothing. Your mom’s will set that ass up, properly gassed up, hoodie to mask up. Better they learn from the Easter Bunny than from the Big Bad Wolf.






Alternative Birthing Plans: Florida Woman Gives Birth in Motel, Bites Off Umbilical Cord. Crack Involved.

Hospitals are so retro, and water births are passé. We all saw Kourtney Kardashian pull her own baby out of her vag, but did she bite off her own umbilical cord? Keep up. And Gwyneth, eat your Goopy little heart out.

Best wishes to mother and child.


Source: http://gawker.com/florida-woman-on-crack-gives-birth-in-motel-bites-off-1564228700

Instagram Sorcery: 13 Ways to Look Slimmer in Pictures



If this were the 17th century, this type of black magic would be enough to get you burned at the stake as a heretic. But lucky for you, this is the year 2014: Mimi Faust is free to swing from shower curtains, and YOU my dear, are free to use every trick in the book to avoid looking like a fat slob in your Instagram pics! And don’t worry, diet, exercise, and actually being skinny did not make the list!


Photo credit: Steven Meisel