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The other day while I was watching episodes of A Different World on Hulu, the same commercial kept coming on over and over again. It was a Purina cat food commercial in which the company spent 26 seconds defining the ideal feline body, and encouraging owners to fat shame their cats if they did not live up to that image. Naturally, I was shocked and disturbed by this commercial and its message. Not only did the commercial encourage owners to fat-shame their cats, it even suggested ways to tell if a cat was fat– you know, lest any cats were sneaking through shame-free. The commercial talked about how cats should have an “hourglass shape,” and that their ribs should be apparent during a rub down.
First of all, if you can’t tell your cat is fat, why are you going out of your way to discover that they are? Obviously, you didn’t notice a problem before, and the cat doesn’t give a damn, so why are you so worried about it now? Just because you spend hours looking at yourself naked in the mirror, circling with a Sharpie every thing that you hate about yourself, doesn’t mean that the cat wants any part of your sick, dysfunctional body image ritual. Your cat does not want to do P90x with you, and it does not feel like going to SoulCycle or CrossFit, so stop asking already. Hell, your cat doesn’t even like you. Why would it wake up early on a Saturday morning and go work out with you when you’re the one with the real problem? Given the choice between picking up heavy things and putting them down again, and licking its own private parts, I’m pretty sure the cat is going to choose licking its own private parts every single time. How about you go get some human friends that aren’t counting the days till they get to chew your face off and that don’t have to workout in full body fur?
And another thing, you are a real creep for sweating your cat’s body that hard. Can she live? Stop groping her. Do you know how bored your cat is laying up in the house every single day? Hair in rollers, watching The Maury Show. That’s no life. Do you know how much it sucks to not only have a master, but to be owned by someone that isn’t even your species, doesn’t speak your language, and just does not get you at all? One of the few joys that your cat gets in life is eating, and you want to take away the Fancy Feast and replace it with some disgusting low-fat, low carb pellets? And why? Because you are ashamed to be seen with your cat. Your friends come over, and they talk. They insult your cat right to her face, and you never defend her. They talk about how chubby your cat is, and that makes you feel like while your cat has a great personality, you wonder what it would be like if you had a sexier, skinnier cat that had the hourglass shape they talked about in the commercial.
Because your body is so great, dude? GTFOH! Your cat doesn’t want to look like you. You may be skinny, but your fatass of a cat gets more tail than you do– DESPITE the fact that you were an extreme player-hater and had the vet de-sex the cat. You just could NOT stand to see anyone in the house get more sex than you, huh? You wanted the cat to have no desire, and no choice but to stay layed up in house with you. Well, the cat still gets it in. Let’s just say, they don’t call her “Million Dollar P*ssy” for nothing. So next time you think of buying that disgusting, flavorless cat food, look at your own pathetic life, and think about just why it is that you feel the need to shame and control your feline friend. You Tae-Bo hoe.
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